11/4/2022

We had a super FUN week with a Halloween Party, 1st Cotillion of the year, a small family Grateful Day of the Dead Party, & an Elevation Worship Concert:)

I was so happy to have Emily join us via FaceTime for our annual Grateful Day of the Dead Celebration:) I focused on talking about memories of our Nana Rachel this year since she just passed to heaven this past February 2022. Of course I welcomed all of the kids & Mike to talk about anyone on our ofrenda (or not displayed) who had passed away but our kids who are teenagers (1 preteen) pretty much just listened with a few amusing/sarcastic comments:) 

As soon as we got on FaceTime Emily said, “This is really sad.” I agreed! It is really sad. Right before I called her I almost didn’t want to go along with this tradition that we started in 2016. But then I thought I don’t want to be like typical “white culture” and not discuss our loved ones in public after the funeral. Julia said, “But you are white. I mean you are a cracker. Well you’re a spicy cracker!” And we all laughed 😂

So although I thought about not following through with the celebration, if my desire was for our kids to remember Nana Rachel (the way Mike and I remember her), I had to follow through with talking about her, cause I really have no other scheduled time that seems appropriate. In addition, Paul in his letter to the Colossians 3:2 says to set your mind on things above, not earthly things and since she is in heaven she is part of heavenly things. Anne Frank also said, “People who have a Religion should be glad, for not everyone has the gift of believing in heavenly things.”

OK there are many stories and things to remember about Nana Rachel. First off I didn’t meet her until I was 25, the year after Mike and I were married. Our relationship was not a typical grand daughter-grand mother relationship. I have had that with my real adoptive grand-parents so I know the difference of a physical relationship.

“Rach” as I like to call her was more of a very close friend & Titus mother- who happened to be blood related to me. She had 4 daughters and a son and we have 3 daughters and a son so we had a lot in common in the wife-mothering department. I happen to be blessed with the timing to meet her just before we started our own family. She had all kinds of marriage & family stories as well as wise advice that I loved to talk to her about at family parties, Santa brunches at The Huntington Club formerly Seacliff, on the phone or when I would visit her at her house or in the hospital. It was a real life Tuesday’s With Morrie only we were having a female-wife- mother-bonding experience. I told our kids we even talked about her & my biological grandfather’s sex life and they all laughed and had some funny comments that I can’t relay correctly through a blog;)

The most important part of my relationship with Rach began before I met her and has a lot to do with this blog. As I said, I am adopted and never met my biological mother’s family until I was 25. Just before my 25th bday I told Mike I wanted us to search for them and hopefully find them for my bday in mid February. For some reason Bdays were always special to me, more than just my family and friends getting together or saying Happy Birthday. I just felt really special, happy and content on my birthday and loved celebrating them.

Well, we didn’t find her for my 25th bday but the Holy Spirit brought the Clow’s into our life a little less than a month later in March 2002. The thing I found out that is most important and most related to the Bible was that Rachel (every year on my bday) would call Lori (my birth mother) and all her sisters and have everyone pray for me. All those happy, special and contented feelings I was feeling were the group prayer she was organizing & following through with.  I have had a wonderful life, of course nothing is perfect, but our whole family including Mike and our kids have been very blessed by her prayers.  We went to the #ElevationWorship Concert last night and one of my favorite songs was “The Blessing” and the song chants, “May His favor be upon you. And a thousand generations. And your family and your our children and their children and their children.”  These biblical words have been so true for me/us!   Not only that but Jesus gave me almost 20 years to have a physical relationship (in addition to our spiritual relationship) with her which was something I didn’t expect but a gift that I am eternally grateful for:)  

10/29/2022

Had a great time visiting Emily @CalPolySLO family weekend last weekend:) She is doing fantastic adjusting to college life and has 2 FUN roommates that were an answer to our prayers:) She also joined a thrifting club & a weight lifting club & is looking hot 🔥 I love you & miss you Em but so happy you are having fun & you got a job😘

On the other hand, I gotta say it was kinda scary picking her up & dropping her off at her dorm with the Paul Flores guilty verdict coming in just a few days before we arrived. He was found guilty for murdering Kristen Smart 26 years ago at a dorm room near Emily’s. My fear was heightened with the Halloween fog in the air & Emily living in the dorm where Kristen was living the time of the murder:( When we were driving home I had to fight my fears with prayer for protection over her. It brought me back to my prayers 5½ weeks prior at around 4 am September 15th which was the day after we first dropped her off at Cal Poly.

You see my husband and I did a one day turn around trip on September 14th to drive her up, move her stuff in, say our goodbyes and drive home to get back to our other kids & obligations.  

The next morning I woke up around 4am graugy & out of it from a long day before & looked at the red alarm light to see if Emily had turned the alarm on the night before when she got home from work. I looked and realized the alarm was on but that she was moved out & wasn’t gonna be coming home from work anymore. I didn’t have to check on her anymore? Gulp. My human-mother-mind just went to panic thinking…..who is gonna be watching after her and keeping her safe now? 

But then I had the most humbling, peaceful and grateful thought. Jesus, through the power of the Holy Spirit, was the one who had been protecting her the last 19 years, not me.  Psalm 36:7-8  It wasn’t me checking Find My iPhone when she began driving that was keeping her safe or texting her to see where she was. I mean, I’ve read this in the Bible and I believed it but I was obviously struggling to really let Jesus take the wheel. It wasn’t my job to check all the time. In fact, looking back, checking was probably setting my mind on the wrong things and then taking away from my relationship with Jesus, Emily & everyone else. It was my job to love, discipline & educate her. It wasn’t my job to try and control her safety. Jesus had her the whole time and still has her! As a mom of 4 it is hard to tell sometimes when my kids need protection since the kids are constantly developing, growing & changing. But, at this point in Emily’s young adulthood, I just need to sit back and enjoy watching her grow into an incredible young lady! My heart is full❤️ Thank you Jesus for helping protect Emily even when I did not realize it. Please continue to bless her to do your will.

10/18/2022

We did our last date from the 8 Great Dates for Moms & Daughters this past weekend:) It was a date with dad & Sarah said this one was her favorite:) The book provided questions that we photocopied & asked during our date @ The Ranch. One of the questions was if Sarah felt more loved with compliments or hugs from her dad. She said hugs so the 1st pic is of Mike hugging her🥰. 

Sarah was so blessed (this past summer & early fall) to go on all kinds of fun dates with me such as a tea party, facial, shopping, hair blow outs, ect. After each of the dates the two of us also got the added blessing of getting together with other Christian moms and daughters to discuss our dates & encourage the tweens in faith as it relates to fashion, true beauty & have fun🤩 Our leader was amazing & also organized other extra special things we got to do as a group like meet up at a vintage clothing store & go on a #TrueGirlEvent put on by the author & hosted @ Calvary Church in Oceanside:)

I highly recommend this book to moms with tween girls because of the way it uses scripture for each of the dates! I actually went on almost all of these dates with our older two girls (now ages 18 & 16) but never tied them to scripture because the Holy Spirit hadn’t let me know about this book yet. Our older girls have done really well with faith but I have found that any time I have connected parenting with scripture the Holy Spirit always brings back blessings within each of our 4 kids:) 

10/9/2022
Hi Em!
Your Dad & I got to see #AllenJackson in concert last weekend:) The name of the concert tour was #LastCall1MorefortheRoad which made me laugh.  I’m sure his concerts were a big, crazy party 20 years ago but it was so amazing to see how his heart was so visibly warmed by Jesus with a great confidence & wisdom about marriage, family & faith. He cried during his performance of “Remember When.”

Your dad commented after the show, “I don’t know how you cry and keep singing/performing well.” He wrote that song over 20 years ago & has been playing it for audiences thousands of times but it is still obviously touching to him. Maybe it’s more touching to him now that he has “lived it” with his own wife & daughters & is also living and performing quite well even with a degenerative disease. Romans 15:13 The song is timeless & is about a married couple falling in love and being and staying married through life’s ups & downs & family stages & changes. I’ve listened to it thousands of times but the part that got me last night was……..

“Remember when we said when we turned gray
When the children grow up & move away
We won’t be sad, we’ll be glad
for all the life we’ve had &
And we’ll remember when.”

Sitting with your dad and listening to those lyrics as you moved to college 3 weeks ago I started crying in the middle of the concert. I think Dad was too but I honestly didn’t look at him for fear I would break down further & ruin my eye makeup.

Jackson released “Remember When” in 2003, the year you were born. The reason “we won’t be sad, we’ll be glad” struck a chord is because I have listened to & sang that lyric a million times (I’m sure all you kids know it too) but I really didn’t “get that lyric” until the concert. Oprah calls it an “ah hah” moment. As a parent I have said quite a few things like I won’t feel this or that and I’m gonna do this or that and then I do it or don’t do it or I feel exactly what I said I would or wouldn’t do.

The thing is……. I wasn’t thinking I would be sad. I have had such a great life since being your mom.  Raising the 4 of you kids has been my biggest blessing. I knew this was your dream college and you worked so hard academically to be accepted in. You just looked & seemed so grown up and ready to embark on this new adventure! I honestly felt I would have been holding you back to have you go to school locally. I felt God’s call for you to be there.

Anyway, I just didn’t cry until the next day when it became reality that this stage (of having all of our kids at home) was over:( It is still hard off and on with your empty seat at the dinner table or your presence at our family bible study or leaving to school with Jules. But even though I thought I wouldn’t be sad I am glad for all the life we have had & are continuing now with having a new best facetime friend:)  Alan Jackson….how did you get that lyric?  Your kids were not old enough to be moving out in 2003………..It had to be the Holy Spirit.

It has been 11 days since we moved our oldest child & daughter out of her childhood home & into her new freshman college dorm room.  I gotta say, it’s kinda a whirlwind of emotions adjusting to not having her around the house but the pics of our 4 kids (taken the morning of the move) are what I will remember the most & what I am blessed to have.

The morning of the move Emily was up & ready to go at 4:45 am with her calm, always- got- it-covered demeanor. She had prepared, packed and ordered almost everything by herself with the exception of some essential items that I had Mike (my husband & her dad) order off Amazon a few weeks prior. She just seemed all grown up, ready to go & excited for this new adventure:)

We woke up her three siblings just before we left to come down & say goodbye as they couldn’t go with Mike & I to drop her off since they had school commitments they couldn’t miss. They all came downstairs at different times and were in different areas of our great room. Everyone was handling their own morning business routines. But as soon as Sarah (our youngest child & daughter) saw Emily come downstairs (Emily was headed towards the pantry to grab something) she blurted out, “Em-i-ly!” in an elongated yell with a tone that was saying your leaving & I don’t want you to! I’m gonna miss you too much! We are having so much fun together as a family! She did this while running to her & embracing her with a hug. Julia (our second oldest & daughter) then rushed over and joined in the hug. I quickly called Mikey over (he was walking away from the situation with tears in his eyes) to take a picture of them together. I didn’t see Mike but I think he was either watching from the laundry area or he had left the room as I’m sure he was breaking down himself.  

As their mother, at that moment, watching how the four of them genuinely love each other I was overwhelmed with happiness. I saw my award in front of my own eyes  for parenting with everything I’ve had-blood, sweat & tears over the last almost 19 amazing (many blessings & some trial) years. The love between our children (our whole family) is so special & what I have been trying to nurture in them since we took each of them home from the hospital. The crazy thing is God gave me what I wanted and now our oldest was leaving to create her own new adventures & hopefully loving relationships:(

One of the promises in the Bible says that love never ends. 1 Corinthians 13:8 And although I have been on an emotional roller coaster since she left, adjusting to not having her around I know God needs her quiet spirit to spread the love we have as a family to others.